How are you feeling? You don’t have to answer; I wouldn’t know what you have said if you did. But just mull over the question, how are YOU feeling? Not in comparison to someone else, not in relation to the current world affairs but rather right now at this moment.

Still alive and that’s what counts

This is what I often answer, not wanting to lower the vibe or emotion of the conversation. If I turn around and disclaim I am overwhelmed, overworked, stressed, tried and all-round fed up, what can I possibly expect anyone other than a health care professional to say? So instead, still alive and that’s what counts suffices.  But I am not wrong; when you live through a pandemic, you can’t take your health and thus your existence for granted. I have my health (if not somewhat battered) a roof over my head and enough money to put food on the table so why do I feel wrong?

Displacement

My answer is that I am displaced. I am not entirely where I should be (not literally) but emotionally/spiritually, whichever floats your boat. I am sat in my room surrounded by my things, yet I feel off. I don’t think I am alone, I am sure many other people are in this funk and given everything going on there are worse places to be, but can we de-funk ourselves? If you were expecting me to answer that question, I am really sorry, but I just don’t know. I can only tell you that we can try.

I know that my feeling of displacement isn’t me going mad; quite the contrary, I am trying to understand something that cannot be understood. I am a 22yr old MSc student, and I should be travelling to campus to study, going to the pub with my housemates and flirting with people in a nightclub. Instead, I am in a perpetual loop of being in my room, kitchen, bathroom and maybe a short walk if I am lucky. I have slipped into a world that revolves around my laptop, virtual meetings, virtual classes and virtual dates; no wonder I am in a funk. But this doesn’t help me get out of it. It only serves to rationalise it if we can be rational about it all. So what’s the point in talking about it?

Grief

Ugh, what a horrible word. It does nothing but brings sorrow and anxiety. Right now, billions of people are grieving the loss of loved ones, friends and family. But we haven’t stopped to grieve for ourselves, even saying it sounds wrong almost selfish, yet it is essential. My 22s are not going to be ‘normal’ or what I hoped they would be, my last year of undergrad and my masters is never going to be what I deserved I am morning the experiences I should have had and the places and people I should have met. Now, some people will say you can’t pity yourself all the time or get caught up in the what-ifs, and I agree entirely. But you should acknowledge them like an old friend and be sad that they are not here. It is only by grieving the lives we could have led that we can then begin to move on.

Hope

Like grief, hope is such a powerful word. It inspires and encourages us to be the best versions of ourselves and keeps us going when the going gets tough. So, let us finish on hope. Let’s look towards the future as we mourn the past and have the courage that eventually we will feel back in place, even if it’s not the place we started in.